“Chubby Chin Barbies,” Twirling Chihuahuas, and 13 Other Weird Fringe Florida 2014 Predictions

 

Just when you think life can’t get any stranger in Florida, it always does. Now, I typically don’t focus on “weird” breaking news stories as I’m more interested in fringe subcultures and the stories behind the news stories. But I just couldn’t resist gazing into my plastic Dixie cup for hints of the weirdness 2014 holds for my sunny state. Cheers to another year of madness and ever-evolving fringe!  

1. In efforts to stamp out illegal voting by immigrants, the Florida Legislature allows registered voters to carry assault rifles to polling places.
2. Mons Venus strip club owner Joe Redner opens an adult theme park adjacent to the Holy Land Experience in Orlando. For a $1,000 entry fee, park goers can get unlimited nude lap dances, free Cigar City beer and rides on the Mons Venus, a roller coaster that dives into a giant replica of a woman’s vagina.
3. Swamp buggies are allowed on Interstates.
4. Former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is a late independent entrant in the Governor’s race, but leaves the state in disgrace after it is revealed that he sleeps with an inflatable Jesus doll.
5. Pasco County opens the nation’s first public nude golf course.
6. The Koch brothers purchase 1,000 acres near Live Oak with plans to develop the retirement village Tea Party City where the only currency is gold and silver and the help wear all white.
7. A new AMC reality show, “Chubby Chin Barbies” follows a Lake Wales banker who wears a rubber Barbie Doll mask and injects Miami Socialites’ necks with helium after chubby chins become the latest beauty fad in South Florida
8. Governor Rick Scott is photographed nude hula hooping at Swing Fest 2014.
9. In preparation for rising sea levels due to global warming, Fantasy Fest organizers move the parade to the water and feature cross-dressing windsurfers, topless mermaids and the Twirling Chihuahuas, a male baton-twirling, water-skiing troupe who wear only leashes and dog ears.
10. Owners of big cats, monkeys, and constrictors open Heavenly Zoo, an exotic animal cemetery beside Coleman federal prison. Admission is $45.
11. Florida voters approve the medicinal use of marijuana and Attorney General Pam Bondi goes granola, stops bleaching her hair, and becomes the state’s largest pot farmer.
12. Tampa socialite Jill Kelley sues CNN for ignoring her.
13.  Two members of an outlaw motorcycle club and an undercover ATF agent accidentally set themselves on fire while attempting to blow up a rival MC’s clubhouse for the sixth time.
14. The first annual Trial Groupie Convention is held in Orlando.
15. A skunk ape is captured in the Big Cyprus Swamp Sanctuary and found to be merely Brittany Spears gone feral.